Sore and Sorry.

not the best way to start our run!

This weekend was a weird one. I knew I was going to run. I knew where I was going to run and I knew WHY I was going to run, but my heart wasn't really in it.

There is usually a part in the trail where I lose all my anger and disappointments and just run for the run of it and I relax.  I never found that in this weekend's run.   I had far too much in my head to work it all out in 4 miles on the way down the trail. The four coming back up is no place to think about anything, but getting back to the top.

When we got out to the road that takes up to the trail head we were stopped by Cal Fire who said we couldn't cross the bridge because their was a helicopter landed on it.  They informed us that it was a 'scene' and we wouldn't be able to pass over until after it left.  Someone had drown.
It didn't take long before the helicopter took off and we decided to keep going and start our run.   This road is probably one of the scariest roads to drive up. It's all along the canyon walls and it's one lane and the corners are so sharp it's just stupid.

We got to the trail head and was sad that Moose had already taken a group of hikers down to the river.  He's our guide dog and it wasn't going to be the same without him. We did get to see him coming back up and he was so happy to see us, but he had a job to do and that was to make sure his group made it back up to the store so he could go play with his kids that were sleeping out in tee-pees.  

The store owner had one of the girls take us down to show us this really cool cave/mining slew.  The air temperature changed so quickly when we made our way through the cave to the other side. It was pretty neat, I thought, "I can't wait for Ben to see this! he's going to lose his mind!" and maybe that's when my trail run went downhill, because I wasn't sure if I would have the opportunity for that to ever happen again.  It made me sad. As much as I fought it, I was happy about starting a new life and yes, becoming a "step parent" yet again.

I decided to take off and try to lighten my mental load with just pounding the earth.  I did okay until I stopped to remove my sock and was attacked by something more deadly than the bear or mountain lion.  The mosquito. I can't even describe the amount of them that descended on me when I stopped. Hundreds of them.  I don't freak out over much, but I freaked out.  I had one sock on and one off and I had to try to outrun those bastards.  They were so aggressive and were attacking and biting me.  At one point I nearly started to cry because the whole trail was like this, I couldn't stop for a second without the risk of being bitten.  Even with Off spray, they didn't stop.  Today I am covered in bites, even on my face.  

We made it to the river and I normally jump in, but I only got myself wet. The water was super cold today and with one drowning already...I figured I better just eat my lunch and make my way back up.  There would be no running up this trail.   This trail is a weird grade and it's almost never ending with the 4 miles back uphill.  Sometimes you can savage your way up, but I decided to let Tabitha and Billy have some time to themselves and I stayed back and just moved at a 20 minute a mile pace.  I wanted to be happy to be out there doing what I love, but I just feel this huge shift in my life in every aspect and I am not ready to grab on.

My friend Hope on FB posted a picture that had a bunch of stuff on it, but it had "What you spend years building, someone can destroy over night. BUILD ANYWAY."
This is hard for me because it feels like on too many level this speaks right at me.  I had built my whole life around a house that my girls were born and raised in. I fought to get that house back when my first husband and I split and did. I raised my girls as a married mother and as a single one in that home. I worked two jobs and went to college to make sure that I could keep the house.  Then I let someone in my life and thought I was safe doing so...and 7 years later, he walked out and I lost the house.
It's been 3 years and my girls and I live in an apartment we can't really afford, but I stay because it's close the house that we once had and the friends and schools they have grown up with.   I do this alone.
Now I am rebuilding, or trying to find a way to rebuild.  Build Anyway.  Some days, I just think, 'why, it will all be taken away again by something or someone I am stupid enough to let into my life. I am not safe from myself."

How bad do I want it? he asked.
today..not bad enough. there is no fight left in me today.  ask me tomorrow.